So many of my patients are fundamentally happy in their relationships but are either not having sex or having sex infrequently. But most people tell me they want to want to have sex again, so over the next few months I’ll be blogging about how to revive a flagging sex drive.
My first piece of advice is going to sound too simple…
Just do it!
Sometimes in order to resurrect a faltering libido, the best thing you can do is have sex, even if you’re not feeling like it. Keep in mind, it doesn’t have to be mind-blowing sex. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time. It doesn’t have to look like it does in the movies. And even though you may not be in the mood, you can still benefit because one of the things my patients often tell me is that having sex makes them want to have more sex.
So if you want to want to have sex, but haven’t been really feeling it, my single best piece of advice is to do it anyway. Pretend you are in a sneaker commercial and just do it.
I don’t mean to be flip about this. There is actually a piece of the ancient Chinese philosophy behind this advice. This is why it sounds like a bit of a departure from how we are used to approaching things in the Western therapeutic mindset, especially when it comes to “psychological” issues.
Chinese medicine aims to get you back in your body; we are more used to living in our heads. We are accustomed to working on issues ahead of time, and when it comes to sex advice that plays out as strategies for fixing the relationship, improving communication, uncovering emotional issues, and so on. And often, talking, talking, talking about all of it.
Chinese medicine doesn’t make a distinction between issues of the body and issues of the mind and takes on what Western medicine considers psychological all of the piece with what is physical. In Chinese medicine, too, you can improve sex by improving the relationship. But you can also improve your relationship by improving the sex. And the key way you improve the sex is by having sex. Not if it is truly damaging, of course, but in almost every other case, it’s highly recommended.
Still, I realize “just do it” may be easier said than done, which is why I wrote the book. Sex Again is full of tips on how to feel like having sex again, including how and why and when you should (and sometimes shouldn’t) just do it. One important part of the journey is making it for yourself. It may also be good for your partner, and for your relationship. But most of all, having Sex Again is about you.